an ex asked me
once.

No, I said, lifting
myself
off the chair, and hanging
up.

Everything is
not. Nothing
is.

.                                          this cold dark night?
.                   Have you seen, been
.                                          haunted by futurepast?
.                   Have you felt the greater
.                                                       goodevil? Have you torn
.                                                       yourself in two?

.                 If you can, stand back
.                                 and see two worlds
.                       with you, with you. Hear
.                                                   voices of stumblesuccess
.                                                                    and flyfailure. Let the wall
.                                 fall between your mind,
.                                                   your heart. Feel your way
through.

.                                         Fight your way
.                       through the light
.                                         of day. Delay thoughtfeeling trouble
and sleep. Are dreams alright?

.                                           If impulsedistraction comes along,
.                 and is joined by tiredquietness before long,
would you pass again through this darkcold night?

I’m in bed, talking
to my pillowcase–I see
your face, the same way
I saw it at the party you threw
right before Christmas.

.                                  You smiled
and said Aw, shucks,
a patch of red wine, spilled
in a purple mess
on your pink dress, sinking
into you.

.                             I wanted to say
something, but he
came sooner to your rescue, trying
to wipe it away. (But smearing it–he
didn’t know how.)

.                          And now
it’s January first
but the only change
is the calendar on my wall.
And, as my head falls, my pink pillowcase
with one, then two
purple oval dots.

he stands, hands
clutched to the diamonds
of a chain fence. The sun,
white against the orange
of sky, glittering grays
and blacks of city,
breaks against his shoulder, spreads
rays against his back, a luminous curve
on his neck. His fingers
are wet. The water seeps
into the dry cracks, feels grainy
against the rusty metal strands.

.                                                                      All gridlocked,
cars sound off below (and so do people).
It’s not you he whispers
and hears footsteps,
sees hair bobble up the side steps
and turns, head down, and repeats the steps:
You’re great. But. You know. It’s not you
and starts to cry. (A gold-in-the-sun-haired woman
doesn’t notice as she passes by.)
He walks home.

.                                      The moon high, the sun
taken from the sky.

This is a terrible poem. But an awesome two-minute free-write.  :)

(I am here)
.   and it pushes me

and the snow falls
and the rain falls
and the blossom petals fall
and the roses stain
.               my hand red

.         and it pushes me
.         and it pushes me

and leaves creep
and branches swing
and (I taste heavy/feel invisible)
.                            rot from farmers’ fields

.                     and it pushes me
.                    (and I stumble)

and in the eternity behind
me, something falls (I
.                     turn but cannot
.                     look back and
I snap twigs                   and
I crack leaves                and
I break fruit off trees, trying
to run, falling)

.                                       and it pushes me
.                                       and it pushes me
.                                              to a cliff

.                                       then—
.                                       silence
.                                       stillness
.                                       save
.                                       an ebb

(through the rocky shore.)

Written March-April 2010
*Punctuation added so I don’t forget the beat.

*’F’ denotes female vocals, ‘M’ denotes male vocals, brackets denote a soft voice before music

[M] [whispered] I’ll never leave you
[F] [whispered] I’ll never let you go

[M] maybe you’re gone, maybe I’m too late
[M] but you’re worth the risk, so I’ll wait
[F] all those days dreaming, you never really knew
[F] just how I went, how I fell for you

[M] I don’t quite know, what to say
[M] you make my day, every day
[F] I don’t quite know, how to say
[F] no one makes me, feel this way

[M] bittersweet, days I remember
[M] you and me, sixteen forever
[M] in my heart, in my mind
[M] days of you, I cannot rewind

[F] and you say you don’t, know how to love
[F] but I need you now, just because
[M] and you say you’re nothing, but a broken teen
[M] lost in this world, caught in-between

[F] and if we’re in love, just stay tonight
[F] I’ll be okay, you’ll be alright
[M] and don’t you worry, I may one day depart
[M] life isn’t perfect; just don’t let it break your heart

[F] bittersweet, memories I see
[F] visions of you, visions of me
[F] in my heart, in my mind
[F] memories of you, I cannot rewind

[M] we’re still in love, but I don’t know what to do
[M] I can’t imagine life, life without you
[F] but this isn’t working, I don’t know what to do
[F] I still have feelings, I still love you

[M] crying over love, thinking of what I lost
[M] holding back the tears, no matter the cost
[F] they fall, overflow; there’s nothing I can do
[F] because what I lost… what I lost was you

[M+F] bittersweet, days I remember
[M+F] you and me, seventeen forever
[M+F] in my past, in my mind
[M+F] a history of you, I cannot rewind

[M] and this is hell
[F] remembering how we fell
[M] because love is beautiful
[F] but it hurts, beautifully, as well

Written March-April 2010

you’ve got a bottle opener in your hand
and I’ve got a Crown Royal in mine
let’s sit here together
watch this city give way to passing time

raindrops on cracked windows
look eerily beautiful in the sunlight
measure me in miseries
we’re letting it all go without a fight

I’m not Louis Braille
I’m not fifteen and blind
only seventeen and in love
feeling a little out of my mind

we’re losing this beautiful city
to concrete slabs and crime
we’re both growing up
leaving memories of life and love behind

what if one day we find nothing left?
what if all we see is the darkness?
what if we lose ourselves
to an asphalt city; a harrowed mess?

I’m not Louis Braille
I’m not fifteen and blind
only seventeen and in love
feeling a little out of my mind

you’ve outgrown cutting, bleeding
but you’ve never felt so frail
I wish I could make it all better
write tangible words, like braille

I’m losing you to memories
you’re imperfectly perfect in my mind
but our bodies both remember
how you hurt me, and I, you, in kind

but I’m not Louis Braille
I’m not fifteen and blind
just falling out of love
slowly losing my mind

you’ve got bottle opener in your hand
I’ve got a Crown Royal in mine
let’s sit here together
watch our love give way to passing time

Written March-April 2010
*Some punctuation added to help me remember the beat.

battered, broken
you turn away and hide
keeping, secrets
buried so deep inside

curl up, run away
save it for another day
drowning in sorrows
you’ll be okay, tomorrow

just look up, girl; just look up
you just don’t know what you’ll see
we will always be in love
you don’t know just who you’ll be
please look up, girl; please look up
you don’t know how much you mean
we will always be in love
you mean the whole world to me

stand, look up
through those dark, hazel eyes
we know, the lows
the lilts, the highs

stay here, I’m yours
dim stars will pass us by
morning, hours
just look up at the sky

just look up, girl; just look up
you just don’t know what you’ll see
we will always be in love
you don’t know just who you’ll be
please look up, girl; please look up
you don’t know how much you mean
we will always be in love
you mean the whole world to me

Written March-April 2010

nervous glances
places our eyes cannot see
anxious bodies
please don’t say you love me

high heels, red lips
and a yellow summer dress
take it all off
God, we’re both a mess

tell me I’m the one
tell me you’re mine
we’re losing ourselves
losing our sense
just let go
let go of time
summer-sweet loss
of innocence

say what you need
please don’t go too far
it’s a hundred degrees
in the back of her car

passion fever
forget your age, forget your name
don’t say anything
nothing will ever be the same

tell me you’re the one
tell me I’m yours
we’re losing ourselves
losing our sense
just let go
of fading hours
summer-sweet loss
of innocence

the world, the stars
frozen for one burning night
comfort, afterglow
your whole universe is alight

tell me we’re together
tell me this is forever
we’re losing ourselves
losing our minds
letting it all go
do you remember?
summer-sweet memories
all lost to passing time

Written March-April 2010

I wake up, look at you–
a bitch and a sleepyhead
a girl, once a lover
now a stanger in this bed

you kill me with that look–
a glance and a grin–
you look at me, but I know
you’re thinking of him

do you feel it now?
a creation of love (of trust)
do you still feel me?
do you still feel us?

there’s nothing left to know
I just have to let you go

you say it’s for the best
to get this burden off your chest
to take love and romance
and lay them both to rest

take a man, leave him battered
take a heart, leave it shattered
say goodbye to everything
everything, that ever mattered

did you feel it then?
a creation of love (of trust)
did you ever feel me?
did you ever feel us?

there’s nothing left to say
I’m letting love slip away

[bridge, quickened beat]
tell me this is it
tell me this is the end
tell me you’ll never touch me again

tell me you never believed
tell me why you’re going to leave
tell me I’m wrong to dream these dreams, to breathe
[end bridge]

do you remember?
a breaking of love (of trust)
do you remember me?
do you remember us?

there’s nothing left for us to save
so say goodbye to the love I gave

yeah, there’s nothing left to save
I say goodbye to all the love I gave