screenplay

Popping Out Of Existence

Written sometime during early 2010.
This piece has yet to be edited, but isn’t that serious to begin with.

Warning:
The following presentation may make you think twice
before popping opening up a can of soda!

(And, yes, I know this screenplay is unformatted.
But I’m too lazy to format it just yet.)

[Enter Julian, sitting, and Donovan, sleeping.]

Julian: Donovan! Wake up!

Donovan: Huh? What time is it?

Julian: It’s noon. Shouldn’t you be awake already, anyways?

Donovan: It’s a Sunday. I usually sleep ’til two.

Julian: Get up, man—the whole world has gone crazy! Everything is coming to an end!

Donovan: What do you mean by ‘the world has gone crazy‘?

Julian: I mean Coke’s finally got it in for us—all of us. Either that, or the aliens are taking over!

[Julian turns on the television.]

[Enter a news bulletin.]

Newscaster: Continuing with our coverage of our latest story, ‘people popping out of existence’, Cola companies around the world have begun to declare bankruptcy, leaving their stock-holders and soda purveyors with nothing but a world of economical and political unrest. Some have even chose to take the easy way out, and have resorted to popping themselves out of existence.

Julian: [whispering to himself] I knew soft-drinks would eventually lead to the end of the world.

Random Business Owner: [shouts, in the distance outside] I don’t want to live anymore! *Pop*

Julian: See? See? Those diabolical masterminds behind PepsIco are finally carrying out their evil plans!

[Julian sits, attentively staring at the television screen.]

Newscaster: We are now joined by soda pop carbonation expert Dr. Doowehl. (*Yes, I do need to find a better name for this guy…)

Dr. Doowehl: [in a somewhat-German accent] Good morning.

Newscaster: Dr. Doowehl, what has been the cause of these sudden and mysterious—what some people are calling ‘popping’—disappearances?

Expert: Well, it appears that the opening of millions of cans and bottles of soda pop around the world for decades has caused a build-up of the recently discovered particle called the ‘poptonion’. (*Yes, I need a better name for this, too…) The presence of an unprecedented amount of these exotic particles in the earth’s atmosphere have essentially caused a tear in the space-time-pop continuum, causing people to spontaneously disappear in a cloud of gaseous, cola-scented bubbles!

Newscaster: And what are your theories about the people who have been apparently ‘popping’ out of existence?

Expert: Well, many of my colleagues have theorized that we are actually shifting into parallel universes wherein these so called ‘popped’ people never existed. Others have theorized that they have somehow been transported to another place within our own universe – possibly a sinister world inhabited by beings who survive solely by ingesting the ‘poptonions’ found on these so called ‘popped’ people.

Newscaster: Astounding.

Expert: However, my personal hypothesis is that these people have been somehow affected by a lifetime exposure to ‘poptonions. In particular, I believe that they have been shrunk to the size of bacterium, and are currently residing on floors all around the world!

Newscaster: What should we do?

Expert: We must all gather our magnifying glasses and microscopes, and search for our tiny comrades!

Newscaster: Do these occurrences signify the end of the world as we know it?

Expert: In my expert opinion, they most certainly do.

Newscaster: There you have it. This is Linda McGuinness, wishing you one final farewell.

[Exit the television programme.]

Julian: I knew it! I knew it! It’s the end of the world!

Donovan: You’ve gotta be kidding me. You’ve been watching way too much television, man.

Julian: I’m telling you that this is true [emphatically points towards the television].

Donovan: [smirks] It’s probably just a prank. Remember when you thought Alex’s teddy-bear was out to get you? Or that time you thought whacking a Terry’s Chocolate Orange against the head of a particle accelerator would somehow unlock the secrets of the universe? Were any of those true?

Julian: [pauses for a moment] Shut up.

Donovan: Anyways, enough with all the sugar-induced spells of paranoia—have we got anything to eat? [looks around] Frito-lays! Nice! [grabs a bag of Frito-lays potato chips]

Julian: Don’t eat those Frito’s! They’re owned by PepsIco too! [slaps the bag out of Donovan's hands]

Donovan: Woah. Calm down, man.

Julian: [sighs, exasperated] Yeah, okay.

Donovan: Here, drink some of this. [hands Julian a can of soda pop]

Julian: Thanks. [opens the can] *Pop.*

Donovan: Julian? Juu-lee-ann. [looks around for Julian, then sees the can of soda] Okay…

[Donovan exits the dorm room.]

[Enter Donovan, walking around the college campus, with a bottle of water and a stick of beef-jerky.]

Donovan: [chewing on jerky, looking around] Where is everyone?

[Enter a mob of students, with pickets and signs displaying slogans against Cola companies.]

Mob: [chanting] Down with so-da! Down with so-da!

[The mob notices Donovan, mistaking his bottle of water for a bottle of soda pop.]

Mob: Get him!

Donovan: Aahhh! [runs away]

[Enter Donovan, hiding behind a campus building.]

Donovan: I thought I’d never lose them. [holds up his stick of beef jerky] Crazy meat-hating vegetarians!

Donovan: [looks around] I’ve gotta find Sarah. Julian was right, the world has gone insane.

[Enter Donovan, in front of sorority house Pi-Theta-Mu.]

Donovan: [shouts] Sarah!

[Enter Sarah, from an open window on the second floor.]

Sarah: [shouts back] Donovan? What the hell are you here for?

Donovan: [shouts] I wanted to tell you something.

Sarah: [shouts back] This better be good. You woke me up, you know.

[Enter Sarah in her room.]

[Enter Donovan, kicking down the door.]

Craaaack. Thud!

Sarah: You kicked the door in?

Donovan: [panting] This couldn’t wait. It’s important.

Sarah: Okay, what is it?

Donovan: [panting heavily, hands on knees] One sec. Those were some steep stairs.

Sarah: [rolls her eyes] Oh, it’s that kind of important.

Donovan: [still panting] Seriously, I feel like I just ran up a five-storey building.

Sarah: [sarcasitcally] Yep. Really important.

Donovan: Anyway, where was I?

Sarah: Something… important?

Donovan: Oh, right. I wanted to tell you—

[Enter Julian, exhausted from the run up the stairs.]

Julian: Ha! I knew I would find you here!

Donovan: What the hell—I thought you were dead!

Julian: What?

Donovan: I thought you opened the can of soda and disappeared.

Julian: Oh, nope. I just dozed off under the table after the sugar-rush.

Donovan: Oh-kay…

Sarah: Anyways, Donovan, what was it that you were going to tell me?

Donovan: Oh. I was going to tell you that—

[Enter Dr. Doowehl, stumbling and falling.]

Dr. Doowehl: You there! Save me!

Donovan: Who? Me?

Dr. Doowehl: No, not you! You! [points at Julian] Young man, you told me you knew how to unlock the secrets of the universe!

Julian: I sure do. Do you happen to have a Terry’s Chocolate Orange with you?

Dr. Doowehl: No… [looks towards Sarah and Donovan for a second]

Donovan: [looks back at Dr. Doowehl] He gets like this sometimes.

Sarah: Alright. Enough with the fooling around. Donovan, what were you going to tell me?

Donovan: I wanted to tell you—

[Enter the mob, outside, chanting anti-soda slogans.]

Donovan: What the hell is that?

Dr. Doowehl: That is what you need to save me from!

Julian: I’ve got it! A giant bubble!

Sarah: A giant bubble?

Dr. Doowehl: Yes! Of course! We can all float away in a giant bubble!

Julian: There’s some dish soap downstairs and a trampoline in the back yard!

Dr. Doowehl: Let’s go!

[Exit Julian and Dr. Doowehl.]

Sarah: Okay, one last time. What were you going to tell me?

Donovan: I was going to tell you that— Well, you know that shoe box I’ve kept under my bed since I was thirteen?

Sarah: You mean secret one? The one filled with po—

Donovan: It’s not what you think it is! It’s actually filled with a bunch of poems. Poems I wrote about— One second. [opens up the bedroom window] Shut up, you damn meat-hating vegetable-heads!

[The mob quiets down.]

Donovan: Finally. All I wanted to say was that I lo—

[Enter Julian, Dr. Doowehl, Linda McGuinness, and several college students.]

Julian: We’ve gotta go. The bubble’s almost ready.

Dr. Doowehl: Quick, they’re amassing at the front door! The barricade won’t hold them for much longer!

Sarah: Uhh… You go on without us, we’ll stay here and hold them off so you can escape.

Dr. Doowehl: Oh, you brave souls!

[Exit Julian, Dr. Doowehl, and their party.]

Donovan: This really isn’t going to work, is it?

[Several crashes are heard as Molotov cocktails improvised out of old CocaCola bottles set the house on fire.]

Sarah: Sure doesn’t look like it. I guess this is the end.

[The front door is heard being kicked in.]

Donovan: Well, at least we’ll never end up like those people.

Sarah: Yeah. We’ll never fit in.

[More crashes sound. Footsteps are heard coming up the stairs.]

Sarah: [smiles] For what it’s worth, I think I know what you were trying to tell me earlier. And, I feel the same way. [looks out the window] There’s no getting out of this, is there?

Donovan: Well, there is one way out.

[Donovan grabs a bottle of soda pop.]

Sarah: Together forever, this time?

[Sarah knots her fingers together with Donovan's.]

Donovan: Together forever. Cheers.

[Donovan and Sarah open the bottle of soda pop.]

*Pop*